


maybe, it's meant (to break)

by celestale



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Other BTS members are mentioned, Post-Break Up, they really love each other but, they swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23327689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestale/pseuds/celestale
Summary: Loving isn't really all about the sweetest days and all the rom-com clichés. Sometimes, loving is difficult, and not everyone is fated to stay.Yeonjun learns this the hard way.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	maybe, it's meant (to break)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry in advance for any grammatical errors :( also, feedback is greatly appreciated, please leave some !! <3

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A long drawn out groan.

It was what Yeonjun let out upon receiving the eager invite of his Jimin-hyung, as he tried his utter best to convince him to go to his welcome party later that night. 

_"I swear, it'll be unlike any parties you've gone to! It'll be amazing!"_

_"Hyung. The two only parties I've ever gone to were yours." He clicked his tongue. Continuing, he said with as much honesty and courage as possible, "And they've not been_ that _good, TBH."_

_Jimin's loud shriek blazed through the speaker of his phone. Probably measured at least 120 decibels, as loud as a siren rapidly going off in close range. The older of the two felt '_ offended' (read: acting extra dramatic), _as he whined,_ _"Hey! Don't you dare be a killjoy. I swear, this time would be different. It'd be pure bliss. Amazing music playlists—you love hiphop, don't you?—great setting, since I fixed my AC system and actually bought those cool LED lights. And oh! Great people, of course. Great people. Made sure to invite new and old friends. And their friends. And the friends of their friends."_

_He sighed. "That's awesome and all, but… last October's_ really _wasn't all that."_

_Jimin explained, "Yoohae was the reason it got pretty shitty, to be fair."_

_"To be fair." Yeonjun nodded in response, even with the knowledge that there was no way Jimin could've seen him, because this wasn't a facetime call, after all. He kinda wished it was though. It's been a while since the last time Jimin and him met in person._

_"Besides, it's been quite some time since we last saw each other! The rest of the gang are even going tonight! I_ _know_ _you missed seeing them, too." The other exclaimed, then heaved an audible sigh. "So, please? Will you please go? Please, Jjun?"_

And that's how he got to this point.

It is approaching ten, just before the latest possible time Jimin asked him to show up, before he gets his ass beaten for 'forgetting everything about punctuality'. He frantically ties the shoelace of his newly polished black boots. Normally, he would've put more effort into his outfit, as per usual, but tonight, he had less time to do so. It kinda saddens him.

He sports the dark wash jeans which he's been learning to love lately due to its one of a kind fit to his legs. Above it is just a plain black shirt, a staple piece he can never go wrong with. And the cherry on top? That would be his bright-ass red fluffy coat. He decided to put it on, just 'cause he's flamboyant like that.

He shrugs. Looking at the mirror, he mumbles, "Not too bad."

For the last time, right before exiting through his front door, he glances around for anything he might've forgotten to bring. For a moment, the closed laptop on his desk catches his attention.

Rewatching a whole tv series from the top, no episode excluded, was the excuse he first used in order to be able to miss out on the party. And clearly, it did not work. He really wanted to finish it before the new school year begins, which would be in two days.

He at least wanted his sophomore year to be off to a decently good start.

The way from his apartment to Jimin's house wasn't much, and it didn't take him too long to reach his destination. 

On the first time he steps foot inside, what he notices right away is the colorful lighting. _Wow._ Jimin was really true to his word, actually investing in some of those color changing LED lights. And truthfully, he sees Jimin's point in buying them, because hell, they look really, really _fucking_ _dope_. 

He snaps his head to the right, after the command of his instinct. And there, he sees him. Well, _them._

"Yeonjun!" Jimin immediately yells, not even a second into their accidental eye contact. 

Jimin runs to where he stands, and grabs his entire body for possibly the tightest hug Yeonjun has ever experienced in a while. From the shorter's shoulder blades where his head rested, Yeonjun opens his eyes to see the rest of Jimin's main friend circle. Jeongguk, Namjoon, Taehyung— _holy shit_ . The idea of blue hair dye is just made for him, isn't it? And it just suited his yellow tee so nicely. It's insane how someone could pull this off without looking like _Joy_ from Inside Out. What a fucking fashion prodigy. Truly one of Yeonjun's style inspirations. _Anyway_.

...Yoongi, Seokjin, and Hoseok. All seven of them had been very special to Yeonjun, and have been playing a vital role in keeping him sane for the past year or so. Especially Jimin. He's pretty close with all of them, but it's just that Jimin has that different bond with him, you see? It's like Yeonjun is destined to find an older brother in him.

Eventually, they had to leave the corner. Well, they'd still run into each other, of course. The rest of them went separate ways, though in duos. Jimin has been particularly busy with the sudden influx of visitors he's been getting. 

_(Thankfully, still no signs of Yoohae.)_

Jimin, once again, made sure to keep his promise. The speaker plays one of Yeonjun's favorite songs out loud, and that was enough to make him gasp to himself in shock. Also enough to make him move his way to the middle, right where the swaying of bodies to the beat of the music was mostly located. It's great, especially since he's accompanied by Hoseok. Until he excused himself to the bathroom, and now, he's left alone in the swarm of boozed, dancing crowd.

He danced, and danced, as more familiar songs played. It was enjoyable—for the first ten minutes or so. Before he got squished and bumped into by different people side by side. The beer inside his red cup also ran out in unfortunate timing. It was starting to get noticeably warmer by the minute.

He wipes off the string of sweat forming in his forehead. It is really, slowly, becoming unbearably hot.

Squirming his way out of the tightly packed people, does he feel his headache threatening to show up at the worst time possible. He really needs air. Cool, fresh air.

He hurriedly exits through the door leading to Jimin's swimming pool. He knows his way, for he has been repeatedly visiting this place for numerous times already. Taking some deep breaths, he settles himself down and leans his back against the wall.

By the way, the air tasted oddly incredible. Ten out of ten, at a minimum. It's crisp, but not too cold that it could harshly slap the skin off his face. Doing nothing but just idly breathing could honestly pass off as an underrated gem.

Yeonjun lands his sight on a boy sitting by the edge of the pool. He shouts at him, "Hey!"

The other man faces him. Faced stuff with food, he replies back with a muffled voice, "Yeah?"

"What are you doing?"

"Me? Well," he glances sideways before answering Yeonjun's question. "I'm eating."

"Yeah, yeah. I can see that. But why aren't you inside? There's more food there." Yeonjun asks, walking towards the stranger. 

_"Why aren't you?"_ He asks back. 

This surprises Yeonjun, and ultimately makes him decide to sit on the tiles beside him. However, he still replies, mostly out of the interest he quickly developed for the other boy. "'Twas too hot in there. And my head kinda hurts."

"Damn. You must've already drunk a lot, then?"

Yeonjun shakes his head. "Not really. Unless you consider a single cup a lot, then yes."

"Hell no, I don't."

And that made them both laugh harmoniously.

Yeonjun takes off his thick coat, and places it right by his side. He finally gets a good look at the other. He seems young, just about his own age. His white sweatshirt looked effortlessly good on him, too. He's wearing an above average outfit, in Yeonjun's opinion. Maybe an eight-point-five over ten.

In order to pull himself out of his own trance, he says, "Hey, I'm Yeonjun. Choi Yeonjun. Going into sophomore year. And you are?"

"Choi Soobin, baby." He responds jokingly. "And yeah, I'm also gonna be a sophomore."

"That's cool, we're both Choi's." Yeonjun marvels. He stretches out his arm to give a handshake to soobin.

And basically, that was the start of everything.

Time had been passing unnoticeably while they chatted. Yeonjun finds out that indeed, Soobin also goes to the same college as him. They shared their relatively tough experiences in the process of getting admitted to the university. Soobin admits his truth, though, that he still had to fix his things in preparation for school. On the weekend right before it officially starts.

_"How and why the hell are you here, then?"_

_"A friend's childhood friend told my friend to show up at this certain party." Soobin whispered, "Although honestly, I just got here to get free food. The pizza was amazing."_

_"Only the food?"_

_The other snickered, "Also, a can of beer on the side."_

Yeonjun cracks up in laughter. It was insane how easy it was for him to relax and slip into a conversation with a guy who he literally just met for the first time. He's uncertain if it was just because he's a natural at socializing. Although, maybe, it's the alcohol running through his bloodstream, too. And there's also the possibility that it was just because of Soobin himself. They complemented each other so much that they can casually talk about their lives as if they've known each other ever since the years they've been in diapers. 

Not too long after, Soobin faces him and with hunched shoulders, he mumbles, "Hey. I think I have to go now. Thanks for the nice plot twist of the evening, though. I'd be alone by this pool if you hadn't wandered here to the back."

"Thank you too. It's great. The conversations and everything that came with it. We'll… we'll see each other around, yeah?"

"Yeah. You're fantastic, Yeonjun. I'll see you around."

"Hell yeah, I am!" He says back. "Just kidding. So are you, Soobin."

Soobin sends a smile at him. The night was cold and dark, yet it's a wonder how he was able to make him feel the wonders of infatuation in just a second, simply by a curve of the corners of his mouth. He finally turns his back on him, and walks away. However, Yeonjun remembers something that seemed crucial to him, and gets to his feet, immediately sprinting his way to Soobin.

Soobin must've heard his footsteps, because he faces back to him. "What is it?"

"Y-Your number." Yeonjun pants. "Let's exchange numbers, I mean."

Soobin fishes out his phone from his pocket. "Can't believe we almost forgot that. Here," he hands it to Yeonjun, and he doesn't waste any time in giving his' to the other, as well.

"Have a nice night, Soobin."

"You too. Sleep tight." He greets back.

"Oh, and hey? One last thing."

Soobin raises his brows in anticipation and curiosity, while Yeonjun shyly confesses, "I think you're really cute."

"I think you are really cute, too, Choi Yeonjun." He echoes softly. An exchange of 'good night's were the last things they said to each other, before Soobin headed away, once and for all, for the rest of the evening.

Yeonjun couldn't be any more grateful for that childhood friend of Soobin's friend who invited him over tonight.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Almost two months had passed after that wondrous party back at Jimin's. University has been, well, being the little shit that it had always been. Just the usual. Crazy schoolworks and even crazier deadlines. 

Actually, Yeonjun is working on one of them right now. With Soobin beside him, inside this small, cozy coffee shop barely a mile away from the campus.

And to be quite real, it really feels like they've known each other for two decades, rather than two months, which was the actual age of their friendship.

Friendship, with a few drops of flirting, that is. 

But never of anything too far. Just some winks thrown at each other, Soobin placing his arm on Yeonjun's shoulder everytime they walk side by side—those are just two of the not-so-platonic habits they've been getting accustomed to doing ever since the time they saw each other on the first day of classes.

Well, not until recently. The winks have upgraded to the trading of flirty lines, the cuddles becoming more and more frequent, and to even picking each other up for dinner at least once every week.

_"Are you sure y'all aren't boyfriends at this point? Because it makes totally no sense." Beomgyu told them one day, as they got too caught up in their own world, forgetting that they were still with him, Kai, and Taehyun_.

By the way, Beomgyu is a blessing. Because apparently, he was the friend and roommate who urged Soobin to come to the party, even just to _grab free food for himself._

And that childhood friend of Beomgyu? It was revealed that it's Yoongi. Turns out that they were neighbors in their hometown and have still been in touch until now. Even Yeonjun couldn't believe what he was hearing because _what the fuck, the world is really that small?_

Going back to their present situation: it's been around three hours of them sitting on the same couch, and they're now on their second cups of coffee, respectively. Soobin is slouched down, eyes and hands on his own laptop as he also becomes occupied with his own work.

It's been so long, he's pretty sure he's already heard 'Born This Way' by Lady Gaga be played, at least thrice. He also momentarily forgets that it was actually early November and instead, easily mistakes it for the pride month. It's great though.

"God, I'm sick of this already." Soobin stretches his limbs out, just to relieve himself of the numb sensation building up in his muscles. "Can college just end in the blink of an eye already?"

"Sadly, no." Yeonjun deadpans. "There are still some surprisingly good sides of it, though."

"Am I supposed to be one of those?"

He giggles before replying. "Yeah. Yeah, you are, you fool."

They laughed. Yeonjun looks at Soobin, and carefully notices how the crinkles in his eyes show up whenever he grins widely, and whenever he chortles. They are just so, _so_ cute and pretty.

As if there was a part of Soobin that was unlike those characteristics. His eyes, nose, cheeks, lips, and ears—each of them are delicate, all adding up to the exquisitely beautiful man that Choi Soobin is.

And to be pretty honest, Yeonjun just couldn't help but catch a pinch of feelings from time to time.

He gets so lost in his thoughts that he fails to realize that the taller has also been staring back at him.

Yeonjun scratches his head, and clears his throat for effect. "Oh yeah, my essay."

Soobin takes one of his last sips of his frappe. He diverts his sight back to the blinding, white website page which was just right in front of his eyes, focusing his attention back to the calculus homework Mr. Kim gave them. 

Yeonjun knows Soobin hates it, judging by the way his eyebrows have already met each other once again. He really has a passionate disgust for any kind of maths. He cannot blame him at all, though. 

Soobin must've noticed—as he always does—Yeonjun's eyes at his nape, though. 

"What's the reason for the look, Jjun?" He asks, and it was enough for Yeonjun's _entire motherfucking vocabulary_ to all get stuck within the cavity of his goddamn _larynx_.

He doesn't say anything though, just opting to dumbly stare at Soobin, mouth definitely agape. Inside his brain, though, it was a whole other situation. A havoc, it was. And there's something scratching the walls of his head, telling him to do something impulsive.

"You're still single, right?" 

Soobin blinks twice in a row, appearing to be confused. "I am, why?"

"Oh." Yeonjun swallows the lump in his throat. "Wanna be boyfriends or something?"

The expression on Soobin's face was funny. Yeonjun swears that he almost spat out the coffee he was previously drinking, directly onto his face. His cheeks start to blush, the heat also traveling up to his ears, too. For him, it was fluttering. But for Yeonjun, it was, without a doubt, adorable.

"What the fuck? That was so sudden!" He exclaims, hiding his face behind his palms. "But also… _definitely_."

Yeonjun basically had to stop physically himself from squealing. He's so filled with admiration and joy that he couldn't help but just hug Soobin right then and there.

They spend the next forty-five minutes gushing about what had just happened. Both of them also made sure to finally admit, and talk about the big fat crushes they've been progressively developing for each other. 

And it seems like all of it really stemmed from that one certain night, a little less than two months ago.

"We're boyfriends now." Says Soobin. "I'm actually dating someone. And that someone is you."

"Wait, you've dated other people before, right?"

Soobin nods. "Yeah, but none of them really stuck with me for a very long time. So, yeah, gonna be honest real quick right now… if we also end up not working out, let's not do anything stupid, okay? No getting wasted on cheap drinks. You'll never benefit from that. The only thing you'll get in return is nausea and an intense headache the morning after."

"Yeah, let's not get drunk." Yeonjun chuckles. "The money could be spent on actual food. That would be such a waste. No drunk calls nor texts either."

"And let's not hate on each other too!" He adds, a bit too enthusiastic. (Yeonjun laughs at it, once again.) "Well, at least not publicize any resentment too much? No tarnishing of reputations?"

"Yeah, none of that would happen. I promise. This might just be something casual for now, but we're still human beings, right? We must be reasonable and considerate."

Soobin doesn't respond verbally, but rather clings on to Yeonjun with a smile on his lips. He does, eventually, but not without at least three minutes of just silently burying his head deep into the side of the latter's neck. "But before things get messy, I'm gonna cuddle you a lot first. And we should go on dates, too."

He agrees, "Saturday sounds nice. Are you free by then?" 

Soobin had nothing to do that day, so he happily says yes. Apparently, a date on Saturday, it is.

_(Once they told the rest of the group about their new relationship, their reactions were priceless. Taehyun's mouth opened wide and rounded up to an ear to ear smile. Kai basically screamed. And Beomgyu, who was in the middle of the two, slapped them with the mustard throw pillows on the couch._

_Not without announcing, "Fucking called it!", of course.)_

A fling or not—it didn't matter to him anymore. what he really focuses on is that right now, with Soobin, _as Soobin's boyfriend,_ he feels the happiest.

Yeonjun's heart is overflowing with glee.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Two years had already passed by now. But Yeonjun and Soobin? Still together.

And by now, this is nowhere near a fling anymore. 

It happened around winter break last year. Just right before Yeonjun left his apartment to head back home for Christmastime, he was caught off guard to hear a desperate rhythm of fast knocks on his door. 

He came to see Soobin, who seemed to have run all the way from his own dorms. Aside from his exhausted breathing, the formation of sweat on his forehead gave it away. _And who the fuck sweats in winter._

_"Hey, you good?" Yeonjun asked out of genuine concern._

_Soobin breathed out, "Yeah."_

_And Yeonjun laughed. Because the situation was just so silly, and he didn't even have a single idea on what was going on. "Uh, so… what, uh… what exactly made you rush to my doorstep?"_

_The taller gulped. He looked left and right before scratching his head sheepishly. "Just. Just wanted to remind you to always take care."_

_"I will! Thank you. And you too, okay? Don't miss me too much."_

_Soobin snorted. "Yeah, no shit. I bet you'll facetime me the moment you arrive there."_

_"We'll see." He responded teasingly. "So, yeah! Was that the only thing you're here for?"_

_He took his dear time in answering. Yeonjun found it absurdly cute, because the puffer jacket made Soobin look 85 centimeters, when in reality he was about 185. He's still sweating, and actually, it seemed like he's endlessly going to do so even more. Not to mention the blush forming on his cheeks, which were being squished by the hood of his outerwear._

_He resembled an onigiri so bad._

_"And also…_ I love you."

Well, shit.

"Shit!" Yeonjun, now in present time, curses out. He was grinning and laughing so hard at the memory that he accidentally bites the inside of his mouth. He really should never think of that memory again while eating. 

As he puts his now soiled and empty plate to the sink, to be washed up later, he also recounts probably looking like an exact replica of the Soobin-onigiri (Soonigiri? Binnigiri?) with his black parka and pink-ed out face back then. Anyway, he said it back, too, though. Of course he will.

It was just quite a wholesome scenario that he believes, is timeless _and_ priceless. One of the reasons why it became such was their personalities. Yeonjun had always been the blunt one between the two, and Soobin, although still owning his confidence, usually prefers to keep things to himself.

Yet, he was the one who said those three words first.

After he's told _almost everyone_ about it, they didn't appear to be as shocked as he did. All of them basically said that he, himself, was a huge factor for it, of Soobin getting heaps of that certain trait from Yeonjun, himself.

(And, just to clarify, Soobin was wrong. Yeonjun didn't call him right after stepping his feet back to his hometown.

_He did it while he was still on the way, inside the train.)_

Yeonjun looks at the clock. It's quarter to five in the afternoon already. All he does at the moment is to waste his time away on YouTube, watching something from one of his most loved channels. 

Soon after, in the middle of it, a call from Soobin blocks his screen and disrupts his peaceful streaming of the video which has been giving him an existential crisis for the past twelve minutes or so. 

Of course, he answers it. Though it irks him because all Soobin tells him was that he'd be five minutes late, coming from his afternoon classes. He could've just texted him so, anyway. Maybe then, he wouldn't be stopped from questioning if anything in the world was ever real to begin with or if it was all just a figure of his imagination. 

Man, fuck YouTube's recommendation list.

At around 5:07, Soobin heads inside Yeonjun's apartment. He plunges into the sofa right away, stretching his neck out, to snoop at whatever the hell is going on with Yeonjun's phone that makes him pay his full attention.

"I sent you that video two weeks ago! And you're just watching it now? But it's good, isn't it?"

Yeonjun pauses the video, and looks at Soobin. "You did? No way."

"I did. Watched it instead of studying. Never regretted it."

"It's sick." Yeonjun presses on the button on the upper part of his phone, prompting it to close down. "Imagine if we weren't real though. What if all of humanity were just… made-up characters?"

Soobin gazes at Yeonjun's eyes before whispering, "So, does that mean that college is just a bunch of bullshit?"

He bursts into laughter. Not only is it really funny, but also because, _fuck._ "Come on, at least we graduate in two months." He hastily adds, after the quick realization he makes with his previous statement, "Oh, finals are also near."

Soobin grimaces. "These videos are kinda tempting me to skip finals, not gonna lie."

And to that, he agrees. It's irritating that they're still required to go through the hell week that their final examinations will give them as a nasty gift, when there exists the slim _(but never zero!)_ possibility that he's actually just a character in some kind of online fanfiction or something.

"But I'm afraid I have to be a diligent uni student and actually study for the finals, because how the hell are we gonna pay for our future house in a pretty, suburb area?"

"You motherfucker." Yeonjun chuckles. "Yeah, and how are our future two dogs and two cats gonna eat? They deserve nothing but health and happiness!"

Soobin engulfs his boyfriend within his arms, whereas said boyfriend is very pleased to sink deeper into the comfort and warmth (and the smell of roses and pomegranates, thank god for Soobin's perfume) of his own lover. 

"So, what happened to not thinking of a serious relationship?" Yeonjun teases, recalling the memorable afternoon of their relationship's startline. 

"Yeah, what happened to that?" Soobin repeats. "Frankly didn't expect us to last longer than three months, but look at us going to our third year. Spectacular."

"I think I've lost the capability of imagining my future without you. Wow."

Yeonjun opens his eyes, and looks up to his boyfriend of two years not daring to take his' off him. He welcomes the feeling of his heart beating tremendously, like it had always been ever since the very first night he met Soobin. 

Yeonjun reaches out for a kiss, soft and sweet, just like how the other is. Soft like the sheets of his bed that console him after a long day, and sweet like the taste of candy that brings out a different kind of rush to him every time.

"I love you."

"I love you too. Let's stay with each other forever."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A year and a half has passed. 

Yeonjun looks at the wristwatch Soobin got him a year ago, for their third anniversary. 

It's 7:08 p.m. He runs to the staircase, going as fast as he can, using as much of his energy and manpower. He deems the three elevators as good for nothing, mainly because they're always so jam-packed at this hour. Not to mention that they also seem to operate at a slower pace specifically when more people needed to use it. The maintenance team really needed to check up on them. 

Technically, the emergency staircase really appears to be the best option for now, when he has Soobin waiting for him for more than half an hour at the lobby. It's always been a routine for them to go home together, even before they got jobs of their own. 

And the reason for Soobin's thirty-minute waiting time would be Yeonjun's bitchy manager. His shift was supposed to end at 6:30, but he had to work overtime because apparently, the office needed more staff to get shit done. And it's complete crap, because why couldn't he have just asked Janhee to actually do her job instead of lazing around the whole time? 

He feels incredibly guilty. This has been the situation for the past two weeks now. And literally everyone knows how much Soobin disliked the boredom out of waiting, when something more productive could've been done during the free time.

The minute he steps out of the door, he briskly walks to the main entrance of the floor. He makes eye contact with Soobin right away, who was previously scrolling away on his phone. 

"Hey, I'm really sorry. He's the biggest jerk ever. I hate him." With pleading eyes, Yeonjun apologizes, "I'm really sorry for making you wait."

Soobin immediately stands up, and puts his phone back into his bag. He smiles. "It's okay."

(He ignores it. He deliberately forgets how Soobin's cheeks didn't puff up when he smiled, and how his eyes looked like something that was dull and tired.)

They get inside the bus, which took _forever_ to arrive. They were lucky to get good seats, though.

In all the minutes of waiting and traveling, they talked about how their day went. This time, it wasn't something Yeonjun liked the most. The stay at the bus stop and the ride took an hour in total. They only talked for ten minutes. The fifty other minutes felt nothing but odd. Both of them stayed awake, but the silence was greater than that of being in the state of peaceful sleep. He wishes one of them fell asleep instead, or plugged a pair of earphones in. Because then, there'd be a reason for the lack of talking. Not whatever is happening, that is planting fear inside the both of his heart and mind.

But he shouldn't be afraid, anyway. There's no reason to be. 

(A side of him tells him that in reality, he's scared. He's scared that he shouldn't be feeling this sort of worry, but he still does. 

He shuts that side of himself up.)

Once they reach the apartment, Yeonjun immediately asks the other a question.

"Do we have food? Or do I just get some delivered?" 

Soobin heads to the fridge in an instant. He gestures that there was none, and Yeonjun immediately gets it. He clicks on the food delivery app and orders the usual: a box of fried chicken and a serving of tteokbokki for each of them.

Thankfully, it got to them quite soon enough. The emptiness of the sound only coming from the fan and the videos they press play on every now and then has been getting irritating and unbearable for Yeonjun. Although maybe it's just his extraversion leading him to feel that way, but it's just that with Soobin, it never got quiet in an awkward manner. 

Not until recently.

Thank god for fried chicken and tteokbokki, for it has at least forced them to hop off their phone screens and actually acknowledge each other's presence, in a way.

"Hey, Jjun?"

Yeonjun stops himself from taking a bite of his fourth chicken. "Yeah?"

"I've…" he trails off, getting too conscious of the smallest things in his environment. "I've been thinking, maybe we should go on a trip together?"

Yeonjun's heart stops, albeit due to relief. Feeling like he got a stuck piece of bone out of his throat, his tone changes to a more delighted one. "Totally! We should definitely visit Jeju next year, don't you think?"

"I was thinking sometime earlier, maybe in a few months, on our fourth anniversary?"

His smile, which had formed up on its own, comes down as fast as it had previously risen up. He mumbles, "I don't know, Soobin… I'm not sure if that's really practical for us now. I mean, we're not the same, carefree and happy-go-lucky students anymore–"

"Oh. We're not. Right." Soobin nods his head in the most excruciatingly slow manner possible. "It was just my wishful thinking talking. I'm sorry."

"That's not what I meant–"

"I know," the other replies. "You know what, I think I need to take a shower right now."

"Soobin, please. Let's not do this." Yeonjun pleads.

"Do what? Can't a man just take his shower in peace?"

"Fuck, Soobin! I don't know, maybe you should stop always being like this, running away from the problem and pretending it doesn't exist?"

"Yeah, no shit! We changed, Yeonjun! I wanted to go on the trip so that maybe, we can bring the fondness in us back."

"Changed?" Yeonjun lets out an exasperated hiss. "How come, then?"

"We're not the same anymore!" He grumbles. "Just like you said, we're not the same pair of Soobin and Yeonjun in college, right?"

"I was just looking at shit in the practical and realistic perspective–"

"Hell, you don't even hug me anymore!"

"A hug? The last time I checked, I didn't need to hug you to show you that I loved you!"

"Not when everything's falling apart, Yeonjun! Not when once again, it's me who needed the validation! The validation that we're still _us_ when we've been constantly neglecting our relationship these days!" And for the first time, as they were in the middle of the emotionally heated and careless statements they've been giving off, there appears the vulnerability. 

"Soobin…"

"You wanted me to stop running away from our issues, didn't you? There you go, Jjun. There. That's all I wanted to tell you."

And to the bathroom, Soobin immediately walked to. 

Yeonjun clutches his hair in annoyance—annoyance to himself, and the sob that he was previously trying to push down, comes rushing all of a sudden. He used to dislike even just thinking of coming to this situation, and now that it had already, actually came, he despises it even greater. It's a nightmare that clings onto him, persistently bothering him.

Now left with the freedom of his own thoughts, he looks around the apartment and smiles at something that has piqued his interest. 

It's a photo of him and Soobin, both dressed up as _Shrek_ from the halloween party back in junior year. On the same night, they drank quite a bit, but just enough to give them the adrenaline rush, which in turn made them think that it was a good idea to have their photo printed in the size of an A4 paper, and to buy a thick wooden frame to go with it. 

He still has a video of them on that very night. He opens his phone to press play on it.

_"So hey, Choi Soobin, what did we do today?"_

_"Drank. And are currently awaiting for the framed picture of us exactly looking like Shrek to come to us in a few days. Thank god for online shopping."_

_"Yeah, at least we don't have to go to the printing shop and be faced with their judgmental looks."_

_"Even if you ended up looking like Shrek though," Soobin hiccuped, "I'll still love you."_

_"You're so cheesy! But yeah, same thing for me. I love you, Shrek."_

Yeonjun pauses the video because he knows that this was the part where they randomly started singing 'All Star'. It made him smile, however. The memory will never fail to make him do so.

He looks around Soobin's apartment. He compares how it looked like before they became a thing, to its new, current state. Traces of him are literally everywhere. The fox-themed mugs which he bought for Soobin because _it just looked so cute,_ the coffee machine that came from his own love for the beverage, and the surprising amount of his belongings that somehow found their home here, inside, over the years.

Yeonjun reminisces the day when they started renting the place and he moved in, just a week after their graduation. He wishes to be someone able to manipulate the laws of physics and maths and just bring himself back in time, even just for a minute. There's nothing else he hated more than the present—this kind of present, and the way that he could awfully feel the sting of the crack in their relationship.

Yeonjun looks to his side, and sees Soobin sitting down beside him. He gives him another smile, and lets his arm find its way up to Yeonjun's shoulder.

He swears that he almost cried because of such a miniscule action.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lashed out on you."

He looks at Soobin, not caring if it was obvious that he had already spent his time crying, alone, in the living room. "I'm sorry, too. I love you. I'm also sorry for making you wait for me at the office every night. I know you hated it."

"I've been shitty, I know. But... I'll still be waiting for you. I'll still choose to. I'll always choose you, even if you wouldn't want me to do so anymore. I love you." Soobin says, and the tears well up Yeonjun's vision even more. but he strongly refuses to let the last set of them fall down and crumble the rest of the strength left in him for the whole night.

So, he just gulps hard. "Still the same meaning?"

"What are you implying?" Soobin asks, voice small. 

Yeonjun doesn't answer. He keeps his mouth shut because any word that could come out from their lips, and everything else that couldn't, would leave him even more broken. He doesn't answer because he's terrified of any negative change to ever occur between them. Soobin is his biggest treasure, one that he loved more than anything. The one that he'd be torn apart to be apart from.

"Always," Soobin whispers. "Always the same meaning. I love you."

Heart aching, Yeonjun replies, "I love you. I love you."

He wants to say more, to reassure and to ask for reassurance. Tomorrow might be a stranger for him, but all he needed to instill in his mind was that they still loved each other. He's sure of it. He's sure that the meaning wouldn't change for a long time, no matter what would turn out to happen at the end of the day. 

For Yeonjun, Soobin is always the clarity amidst the vast uncertainty. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Five months came at the speed of light, especially when work and a bunch of other mundane tasks were absolutely crushing everyone's perception of time. 

The start of Yeonjun's favorite season just came yesterday—summer. Ever since he was a child, he enjoyed every bit of it. The vacation, the sudden vibrance of his surroundings, and what seems to be an energy spurt for the next three months.

Yeonjun was used to looking forward to the summertime.

But somehow, a shift must've happened for him. It was broad daylight and yet, even the simplest tranquility from the chirping birds and the hums of the warm wind was excessively difficult for him to find. He fiddles with his fingers, even unconsciously biting on his lower lip in sheer unease.

He's already beside Soobin, but his restlessness still continues to cloud up his mind. 

It's him who asks the question though, because he doesn't want to be the one on the answering end. He doesn't want his response to cause an even worse kind of pain or conflict. 

"Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know." Soobin answers, turning away from him.

God.

The silence which was enveloping them slowly turned into tension. He's also aware of the paragraphs they intended to tell each other, but those unspoken words are being held captive by their own, different hesitations.

_("Let's make this work, please."_

_"Don't go, I beg.")_

He wants to beg, just to give Soobin the glimmer of the possibility that maybe, this doesn't have to be how they end.

However, that night changed them a lot, even in ways not once did he ever hope for. The more frequent arguments hurt, for it was through the words they never really meant that they've started causing harm to the other. They see each other almost every single day, though the growing distance between them made them feel that they were on the opposite poles of the world.

The probability of getting over the hole in their relationship, together, seemed far fetched by now.

"How did we even burn out?" Soobin sputters. "I mean, who would ever guess we'd come to this point? Because, fuck, I never did."

"I-It's just… we were madly in love for four years, Soobin. And I didn't miss a single day or night within those four years daydreaming about what our future could be. Fuck, I even saw the grandpa versions of ourselves living the last years of our lives together, holding hands. And now, it's just… impossible."

The taller faces the ground. It's a habit he does when he feels small and fragile, moreover when he refuses to make eye contact. "So, this is where we go?"

Yeonjun ignores his question, mostly because he doesn't want to give a definitive affirmation that could give way to the end of possibly the best chapter in his life. Desperate, he attempts to keep the moment as long lived as possible. 

But Soobin hated waiting. 

So he asks again, in a tone that was firm yet so pained, as if he was putting up a facade to try and conceal his emotions, "Yeonjun. Please."

"It… it is what we need, right?"

The taller clutches him, capturing him in an embrace that held on for dear life. 

This is when Yeonjun just couldn't take it anymore, couldn't keep his tears from slipping down. His heart completely cripples up, pouring from it was every bit of pain, seeping through the entirety of his being.

"God, why did we have to change? Why did..." Soobin's voice cracks. Yeonjun hears it clearly. "...Why did we have to hurt each other?"

_Hurt._

Actually, it's not the simple kind that led them to this point of their relationship. It comes to all the little resentments, though mostly not towards each other, but for their own selves. Indeed, they changed. And like a parasite, it tore them apart from the core.

They pull apart from one another. Yeonjun sees Soobin's tear-streaked face, and uses his thumb to gently wipe his cheek. The fact that he knows that he played a huge part in filling the latter's heart with sadness, bugs him even more than his own torments does. 

"We have a lot to learn for ourselves, by ourselves. Maybe we should seek something better for our own good, right?" 

Soobin weeps, "How am I supposed to find anything better when I found the best of everything in you?"

Dumbfounded, he becomes unable to say anything in return. What Soobin told him, alone, had just left him in pieces. 

Because he felt the same way about him. He was so sure and hopeful that Soobin would be _the one_ for him. Even their peers and acquaintances thought so. Truly, they've explored so much of life together, and attaching themselves to one another emotionally just felt like the easiest task the world could ever offer them. They just slipped into each other's lives so smoothly, that now, them having to slip away was like pulling away a half from their being. 

"Fuck, it's… this… t-this is it?" Soobin stammers, out of tearing up. 

_"Fuck you," Yeonjun cusses. "For breaking my heart. And letting me break yours."_

Their words get lost in the absence of sound.

There were so many things he wanted to do with Soobin.

Included are officially moving in a house together, rising up in their careers together, getting pets together—hell, maybe even starting a family. He wanted it, as long as it's with Soobin. He _longed_ to live the rest of his days with him.

Unfortunately, the only thing which he wishes he could do that was actually _not_ improbable, is this one thing.

"I love you, Soobin."

_To say_ _how much he loved him for the last time._

"I love you like how the sun never forgets to shine its light down on the moon every single night. I love you like how the moon never leaves the sun's side, even if the morning had already long come. I love you."

"Please, Jjun. Why–" Soobin sniffs, wiping away the wetness on his cheek. "I love you like how you know I loved you. And like how I know you loved me."

No pretty similes or metaphors, just the outright expression of his feelings. It makes the both of them chuckle, but honestly, an epiphany he grasps in the midst of it was what wrecked him even more.

They really loved each other. They _still_ love each other.

They loved one another to the point that they'd choose to watch each other to grow and bloom at a distance, free of the chains they've unconsciously set, free from the troubles of the mess their love has turned into. And somehow, Yeonjun wishes that it was the other way around. He wished that their love had rather been a lie, an act that they had just been putting up. 

Because maybe, if it were that way, it would hurt less. Maybe, if their love hadn't existed anymore, it would be easier to let go.

"Is this really goodbye?" 

Soobin answers him, "This must be really goodbye. Take care, Yeonjun."

"You too. Always take care of yourself."

"I'll just get your things at the apartment delivered to you. You don't need to worry about them."

Yeonjun forces a smile on his face. "Thank you. For everything."

"Thank you for the best years of my life, Jjun."

And somehow it happens—they both leaned in, slow and hesitant, more so than the first time. Yeonjun held on to his lover tightly, knowing that this would be the last time. 

Just like how his heart crushed into pieces, in some way, it was able to break even further. Into specks of meaningless hopes and dreams, it sinks down to the rigid ground. 

He lets go from he kiss, lets go of his hand, and through it,

_He lets go of the only man he ever loved this way and this much._

As his eyes meet with the sight of Soobin's back while he walked away, Yeonjun, too, faces the opposite direction. 

He cried as his heart got emptier by the second, left only with despair and deep regrets. Even the lively sunlight of noon could not brighten him up, as he became able to foresee nothing but the gloomy days ahead of him. 

Yeonjun loved the season of summer and always waited excitedly for it to come. But this time, he would much rather not see the sun for the rest of his life, if in return, Soobin could've stayed.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"I'll be there before you even know it!" For the nth time, Yeonjun assures him. 

Today was Kai's birthday. And yet, weirdly enough, it was Taehyun who was pestering him today.They're probably on their sixth call this morning, and all of them started with Taehyun speaking, _'Hey, Yeonjun? Where are you? You'll still come, right?'_

Unfortunately, Yeonjun had some work to do and a few other errands to run this morning so there was no other option but to depart from his house two hours before the start of the event.

"Hyuka! I told you, he's coming! Can you now stop making me call him every fifteen minutes? He's getting grumpy." Taehyun yells, away from the phone. And yet, Yeonjun still hears it. This, however, makes him chuckle. 

They still are the fools Yeonjun knew. He's glad, though, they were able to keep their friendship along with Beomgyu, all these years. 

Just thinking of the times they skipped their classes to play at the arcade brings the best form of nostalgia to him.

"So yeah, Jjun, just please come. Not only does Hyuka pester me to repeatedly call you, but also Jimin-hyung now that he's arrived." Taehyun says. "And besides, I think you're the only one missing here. Well, you and–yeah."

"Soobin?"

"Yeah." Taehyun weakly answers. "Although I don't think he'll even show up, so you don't have to worry about awkward meetings!"

"Tae, we ended in good terms. Don't fret about it."

"Yeah, yeah. But, please, just come. Please. Just do it for my sanity. Hyuka is driving me crazy." Yeonjun giggles as Taehyun almost breathes out the last sentence.

He replies, "I'll come, I promise. I only have twenty minutes left here inside the train, and there's more than an hour before it starts. I'll just quickly leave my stuff at the hotel, and I'll go there right away."

"Hyuka, you hear that?"

"Did you just put me on speaker– whatever. Rest assured, I'll come, okay?"

"Oh god, thank you." Taehyun sighs. "Be safe, Jjun. please don't trip on anything on the way here."

"Thanks, Tae. I won't." He laughs, putting his phone down and back into his pocket.

_Soobin._

If Yeonjun says he doesn't think about him every now and then, he would just be lying. It was just that unfortunately, for him, no matter where he went, there would be an imprint of Soobin which would eventually, lead him to reminiscing of what was theirs.

He still remembers those times when he told people that they were already over—all of them thought he was playing a prank at first. No one ever believed that they weren't together anymore. He couldn't blame them either, though. He, too, wasn't used to it that time.

But now that two years and some months have already passed since then, he likes to believe he's gotten better. So much better than the toughest months he had, after they broke up.

And no, it luckily just so happens that neither of them sent any drunk texts to each other. (Just the _drunk_ part, maybe.)

Later on, he arrives at his hotel room. As he finishes setting up his belongings there, does it finally sink in for him. He was really meeting up with the people he hadn't seen in over a year again. He feels more than _ecstatic._

He rode a cab on the way to the venue. As expected, the first person who runs into him was Taehyun. He was obviously waiting, probably as per Kai's instruction. The next was Beomgyu, and then Kai himself. The first one, however, to almost knock him over due to the force of his hug was Jimin. Of course, it has to be Jimin.

Yeonjun made sure to catch up with everyone else. A lot of them were glad for him upon hearing his stories of his life, now that he's been already residing in Gangneung. Hoseok, who he just saw a few months ago, as he so happened to visit the place, probably had the most idea about how he has been doing recently.

By now, the event had already officially started ten minutes ago. A party wasn't really the fit description per se, but it's still been great so far. Well-lit lights that shone of white and yellow, and comfortable, suede seats which Yeonjun had been extra glad for. Kai rented the whole resto, because apparently, not only did he want to celebrate another year of his _'handsome existence'_ —which Yeonjun thinks, is just a little bit too cheesy, but okay—but he also believed it was a good opportunity to reward himself for his own achievements. He seconded this though, for Kai's harvest of success had been the result of his own tedious hard work. And he really deserved it.

Yeonjun excuses himself to make a quick trip to the bathroom, now that all is said and done with the people he missed the most.

And he unsurprisingly loses his way. _(God, he swears this was the bathroom.)_

Where he currently stands at was definitely something he hadn't expected, but in no way was he complaining. Leaning against the railings of the balcony, he was able to get a look of the entrancing view. The calm winds cause the slow waves of the blue waters from the shore, bringing serenity to his soul right away.

But that comes to a halt when the door behind him gets open quite abruptly. 

"Oh, this wasn't the bathroom. Sorry."

Yeonjun freezes. He knew that voice like his life depended on it. Even though his heart has begun to stupidly pound against his chest at a great rate, he slightly turns around.

And there he was. There he was.

"Thank god, I wasn't the only one who mistook it for a bathroom entrance." He even laughs, for effect, and also in an attempt to ease his nerves.

"Hey, Yeonjun. How have you been?"

Choi Soobin. Yeonjun's former lover of four years. 

He seemed a little different now, in an understandable way. After all, now that he's already living and working abroad, it would've been inevitable for some changes to occur to him. 

(He still smelled of sweetness, though. Something like raspberries and vanilla, this time.)

He honestly, yet cheerfully replies, "Pretty good, I think. Hyuka and Taehyun kept on calling me on my way here because they thought I would ditch them. How about you? What have you been up to?"

"Work, work, and you've guessed it—work." Soobin answers. "Actually just flew here last night, but never told them. Wanted to surprise Hyuka, I guess."

"I bet ten cents, he cried."

"He didn't, but I think his eyes were sorta glassy, if I were seeing things right." He says, laughing. "How about you? How's Gangneung?"

"Fucking great." Yeonjun gleefully declares, even adding in a swear word to emphasize his point. "Still busy with workload though. I really appreciated this day off. Got to see a lot of people from college, too."

"And me?"

He purses his lips, and nods. "Yeah. And you."

"We had really grown a lot, didn't we?" 

They did, and it was very apparent.

Although, some things from before still hadn't changed. Just like how Yeonjun still habitually nods his head, even with the full knowledge that the person he speaks to cannot completely see him. And just like how Soobin stops and takes a second to glance over at Yeonjun whenever he goes silent, all because he gets the hunch that Yeonjun, as usual, had only nodded in response. It's truly the littlest things that were farthest from changing.

To break off the silence, though not a tension-filled one, Yeonjun asks him, "I thought you were gonna go to the bathroom?"

"I was, but come on, this view is fucking magical. It's my first time here, but Jeju is really something. I'm glad Hyuka chose this place. The bathroom can wait. And besides, I only wanted to go there to use the mirror."

_Funny,_ Yeonjun thinks to himself, _how we could've already been here, in Jeju, years ago._

However, he doesn't vocalize that, and instead, focuses on another point in the other's statement. "Of course, the mirrors. You glow differently, Soobin. You're blooming, might I say."

"Well... thanks! You too." Soobin says, giving back the compliment.

"I was trying to subtly ask who's the person behind the glow, but sure, thank you." 

"Oh, that?" He chuckles, "Nope, there's no one."

"Impossible." Scoffs Yeonjun.

Soobin, though, was quick to shake his head in negation. "There's really no one, Jjun. I swear. And besides, my job is already taking up at least sixty-five percent of my day. The rest would be the boring shit I do alone."

"Oh the way I could painfully relate. Hustling is insane, man."

Cutting off their chat, Yeonjun's phone buzzes loudly within his pocket. He grabs it, and reads his text from Beomgyu saying, ' _hey dummy, where are you? come here rn'._

He softly informs him, "Hey, Soobin… I think I'm gonna go back inside. Gyu is already looking for me." 

"Okay! I think I'll stay here. The view is great, I'll go back inside a little later…" Soobin breathes deeply, before calling, "Hey, Jjun?"

The aforementioned faces him, and raises a brow. “Yeah?”

“I'll see you around, right?"

Yeonjun looks at him straight in the eye, and assures him, "Surely. I'll see you around, Soobin."

With a final look to the seaside (and at Soobin's dimple that came along with his little smile), he leaves the balcony.

Once he steps out, Beomgyu immediately sees him and walks by his side, whispering, "Soobin just arrived."

"Yeah. Well, we just had a full conversation back there."

"Shit," Beomgyu gasps, "Did I interrupt you guys?"

"It's okay. I also kinda felt the need to go back here or else…" _Or else, he'll feel some certain things all over again._ "Or else I'll miss out on more food. Uh yeah, can you order me a mango milkshake? Just bring it to our table. I'll make a quick trip to the bathroom."

After he expresses his gratitude for Beomgyu being willing to do what he asked him of, Yeonjun briskly walks to the bathroom. The actual bathroom, this time.

He looks to the balcony's way one more time, and realizes the sudden longing that made its presence inside his heart.

And once again, more words were left unsaid.

_("It's still you.")_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hehe pls talk to me on twt @PERFECTJE0N (the o is a zero btw !) thank you sososo much for reading !!!!!!


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